情定愛琴海

        Once I never care about who came to my blog to leave their content or message, but today, I care it. When did I change my thinking and how did I change it? Probably I just wonder whether or not someone else gave me responses, but who knows the exact answer, including me. I hate this feeling. The more I care, the more the despression and disappointment. When did it happen? I still ask myself the same question without stopping. Years ago, I might think that I write journal in order to record everything that happened in my life. However, I seem to expect something happen or someone else. The more the expectation, the more disappointment. It is an appropriate phrase to express and describe my feeling so far. Nothing is better than this phrase.

        Spring term has already finished for couple weeks. However, I still come to library. Why? Of course, I would like to save more money on electronic fee. Therefore, I come here for air-condition because my electronic fee will be charged almost $100 per month if I open my air-condition. It is too expensive. If this condition keeps going on, I may claim bankruptcy. In other words, I may possess negative assets in both of my checking account and saving account. So, I have to save money all the time in order to deal with this bad situation.

        Sometimes, I think I do not understand persons' thought anymore. They think it is right or it is wrong. But it actually is not big deal. Not only this situation, I sometimes try to do something, but I merely received short answer. People could be mystery. I do not realize at all. Many things could be changed by different kinds of approaches. I try to come up with them, but I never reach it. It seems to be far from my position. Additionally, there still have some question that happened in life, and I have no idea about solving this problem. What happened to me? Everything changes long time ago.  Suddenly, I get lost. No direction to be found.

        Recently, I go back to my initial situation and condition, sleeplessness. How come I always not sleep well? This is a good question. I try to have deep sleep, but it always seems to against my hope. It would not allow the situation happen on sleeping well. Where do I offend it? Why do you treat me like this? Oh~gosh. Come on, would you mind releasing me from sleeplessness? I, otherwise, may have the eyes of panda if the awful condition still keep going on. Actually, since spring term began, I cannot sleep well until now. So, please just leave me alone and let me stay calm. I would not like to be a crazy guy.

        I am a paradox. At least I think so because I always think of something that stays at the same side or different side. Right now, I, for instance, am bored becuase nothing to do in my three-week summer vacation. I hope I could find something that let me feel excited. At this time, I have to clean my room up and be ready to move to new apartment, but I did not. Why? The same reason, laziness. Suddenly, I start thinking whether the decision that I decide to move out is correct or not. However, I, on the other hand, also tired of studying because I need rest and break. I went faster at the end of spring term since spring term began. No idea~~No idea~~. When the semester had not finished yet, I hate it and wait for vacation. But right now, my dream come true. I should be happy. What is the result? I am happy exactly, but not pretty happy. That is why I am a paradox. I strongly believe that nobody could see my current feeling, and neither could I. Now, I just want to ask myself, "What is happening to me?"

        Finally, I can sleep. I slept almost 11 hours. It is two times and one hour the total sleeping hours over past three days from Sunday night to yesterday. I am so happy, but the nightmare, on the other hand, is going to come soon. Whatever, to sleep more would be the best wish, at least for now. Actually, since this semester began, sleep disturbed me without stopping. I can sleep.

        Because I have Finance Leveling final tonight, I have lunch outside. At noon, I saw a person who had retired from WT many years ago at Thai Spicy restaurant. I know him and he knows me too. I am so surprised at that. The professor's name is Welch (I do not know how to spell his name). He is very kind and friendly. He is a tutor now. In the restaurant, he just sat beside me. Originally, I intended to talk to him, but he was talking to his friends. Maybe they are friends. Maybe not. Whatever, I gave up talking to him and pay attention to my meal. Yet, the surprise does not seem to stop. Few minutes later, my friend came. I never thought she would come because she is busy and rarely eat outside. We met each other. Whatever, I only can say that the world is too small. In general, the only place both of us can meet each other frequently is library.

        It is 2:30am on April 4, 2009. Still, I am at lab. I am tired and sleepy. Why? Because I have final exam tonight. And right now, I just take a break in order to wake myself up. Since this semester, I did not stay up overnight yet, but I break the rule. However, I worry about my laptop because I afraid it overheats. I am also fearful of repeating a failure. My last laptop was died because it is overheated. Whatever, I have to go back to shut down my laptop in my break time. But not right now. I need to wait. That is the only thing I can do. At this moment, I just want to say "come on" to myself. Only holding on could push me to finish studying for final exam. I am increasingly getting crazy, right?

        This morning, when I was out of home and on my way to library, I forgot many stuffs. First of all, when I was ready to leave before I was outside my home, I forgot my cellphone. Therefore, i went back and went upstair to get it. After that, I put sandal on my feet and went outside. Until the corner, I forgot to shave myself and wear my watch. So, I went back to home and then I shaved myself and wore my watch. However, when I finished these action and went outside again, I have no idea about why I wore my mules. But I gave up going back to change my mules to sandal. What happen to me? I do not know at all. I also wonder why I was in this condition. Was I thinking something else? Exactly, but I never do something like this morning before even though I was thinking something else. It is crazy to make me confuse and it is the first time to do that. At that moment, I thought my brain, my leg, and my heart does no longer belong to mine because it is out of control.

        This phrase has already appeared at campus library for at least one month and the number of phrase has increased over past few days even few months. I do not understand why nobody asked engineer to restore it and just let the computers die. The number of total computers which are available is 18. However, the number of dead computers which indicate the phrase, out of order, is 11. The rate of damaged goods go to 61%. This is a crazy and incredible number on these computers. The library workers ignore this problem, always. Until now, I still do not realize the reason. If it only happen one time, it is not big deal. Yet, the computers in the library are always out of order. The integrated probability equals to the bad weather in Canyon, less than 10%. This is not a special strange situation. The special strange situation is that nobody complain to library workers about this problem.

        Finally, I am done with my case study paper, which is only four to five pages. However, I am not sure whether or not it is fine because I always think there is a problem in my paper. I cannot find the problem. Just get this feeling. I finished my paper that I should be happy, but the feeling about problem cause me not to be delighted. Right now, I think that I do not have much time to revise my paper because I have one finance assignment that is due Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively. Additionally, I have another 20-pages paper I have to turn in next Monday. Besides, at the same day, I have international marketing final, and finance final next Tuesday and macroeconomic final next Wednesday. So crazy. I have a lot of businesses I need to finish. All of them have to finish in one week. Last, I just want to say "Gonna die."

        Recently, I have specific feeling in my mind all the time. It is kind of an emotional expression, but not belongs to love, happiness, sadness, or other significant emotions. I cannot explain this feeling because I do not know where it comes from. It has been deep-rooted in my mind for a long time. I have tried to figure out what it is, but I still do not find the answer to that. Feeling is a special emotion. Everybody could feel it. However, these kinds of the emotions are obvious. In other words, most of the people could explain it; but I believe that nobody is like me. I got lost in this feeling. I have tried to find the way. I have tried to call out. Why? Nobody pay attention to me. I seem to be ignored. Where am I? What did I do? Nothing. I believe that nothing is the best answer for my current question about my specific feeling so far. Yet, it is still there because it will not escape from my heart. So awesome. I try to hide behind something. What things can I behind? The same answer is still there too. Nothing. Right now, I need rescue and I need to call out "Mayday, Mayday" because I am in an catastrophe. Who could explain to me?

        Couple of minutes ago, I saw one of my friends' blog whom I met from another blog. She told me that I could be a writer because I am good at writing. At that moment, I truely want to do that, but many factors do not allow me to write because the first reason is that I do not have much free time, and then second, I think my literary talent is still not good enough. The second reason cause me that I have no idea about how to and where to start my writing. So sad. However, what I would like to write a novel on internet in my life is one of my dreams so far, but I think the dream is a difficult assignment and not easy to make it come true in short-term period. 

        Recently, I still consider if I take my laptop to Fine Art Building to do my paper in terms of my laptop getting hoter when the temperature stays higher. What could I do to make the temperature falls? I do not know how. It is a difficult decision because I do not like taking laptop go anywhere. It is not my habit, but I prefer to use my own laptop. In addition, it is hot in my apartment where influence me to stay outside my apartment and in side other building where has air-condition. Difficulty in making decision seems to be my bad habit because I always would like to possess both of the things. Of course, I know it would be impossible. Yet I still think of it a lot. What is wrong with me? Be carzy.

        Today, I find a strange situation that I could get higher hits for each English journal than for each Chinese journal. I do not understand the reason because Piexnet blog belongs to Taiwan blog. However, there are many foreign people who come to visit my blog. Only few people whose native tongue is Chinese come to visit my Pixnet blog. Wow...it is a really strange situation that I still not understand. Probably I focus on English journal on my Pixnet blog. This is the only one probability I can think of becuase wherever the people in China, Hong Kong, or Taiwan, nobody is used to speak English unless they work for foreign or international enterprises; therefore, they are rarely to read Chinese article or journal because they know my journals on my Pixnet blog are focused on English-writing. Rarely using Chinese to write journals. According to this reason, I strongly believe that this reason would be possible. Of course, my purpose of writing journal is to release my stress or record my real life. Not need to be given a reply from visitors, but it would be fine if visitors would like to leave their messages or responses. I am also so happy to see responses because I could know at least there are many people who are from different countries even from different continents still care about me and try to pay attention to what happened in my real life. It stands for that they are willing to share my life with me.

        Until today, I still think I have at least three weeks left all the time. If my friend did not tell me that we only have two weeks left, I probably may overdue to trun in my paper. Fortunately, I got the news. Time flies, which is correct proverb, is the best description right now. I did not pay attention to it because my life in spring term is to be busy on doing my assignments, taking quizes, and taking a break. So crazy, this semester will be over in a flash. I still do not believe because I strongly believe that it would not be possible. Therefore, I have to work harder on my case with four to five papes and term paper with twenty papes.

        This afternoon, I went to United Supermarket for everyday products. It not only has been hailing but also is very heavy. At supermarket and I was ready to leave, I met my two friends who have known each other before were there by driving. One was ready to leave just like me, and the other one just came. Therefore, my friend who just came say that she could pick me up to my home. So I told another friend who did not drive me to my home. At this moment as I telling my friend who was ready to leave, a female American woman automatically ask us, my friend just came and I, if we have a ride or not. I heard her tone and know that she may give us a ride. How nice this woman is I never met before, excluding one time I came back to my home with my roommate by walking along with the highway from Wal-Mart. This time is second time I got this experience. People who live in Canyon would never care about somebody else even you are a stranger getting into their car. They are happy to assist you in giving you a ride if you exactly need. As this woman knew my friend drove car, she was leaving. That is why I think American who live here is very nice. Unlike in Taiwan, people may not care about you even though you exactly need because of their personal safty although most of the Taiwanese are passionate.

        This semester is going to finish, couple of weeks left. In other words, my final is closer. I am trying to work hard on my business, but I'm not sure if it will be late or not because I am doing my best right now even though I still cannot study anymore if there is nothing to compel me to do my assignments. However, changing the side to think that I will move out to new apartment from my current one and move in in May 15. That is one good news for me to encourage my spirit in terms of my duty. It is fast for spring term. The things happened few months ago seems to occur yesterday. It is late to aware of the disappearance. That is, I cannot react in time. Just few seconds, time is gone. Whatever I do, I aways think that I do not have enough time to do something I prefer to do despite I am sometimes lazy and tired of doing something. I also know that this is a big problem for me. I have already thought of solution to rescue myself, and then, no answer at least I have not found yet now.

        Why do many people say that I look like Korean? Do I really look like Korean? I cannot understand at all until now. What is the reason? Most of them who say that I look like Korean are Chinese. But...do I really...? I confuse. I wonder where I look like Korean. My dress style or something else? Still confuse day after day, year after year. That is no reason, isn't it? Maybe I should not need to think of this anymore because I know where I am from. That is crucial key. Therefore, nothing is big deal. I know I can deal with that as ignoring it.

        Finally, it goes to Monday. That is, we have presentation tonight. I am already nervous to present, but now, cold invades my health. Both of these two factors take place at the same time. I do not know how to go through this challenge, especially I cannot speak aloud. In a big classroom which can possess over 50 people, I think those who sit in the back of classroom may not listen what I would speech. Actually, I do not care about this one at all. I just think that it would be my nightmare when these two things happen at the same time. It is a really huge nightmare for me. Now, I think I am going to die because of the two horrible things.