情定愛琴海

        好久沒在這用中文寫日記了，今天看了一下新聞，發現國際社會都很支持我們加入聯合國的什麼活動（我忘了），就連一向反對我們的中國大陸，竟然也悶不吭聲的默認，很多人都說馬英九的外交休兵政策是不好的、是不對的，其實姑且不論各國的目的為何，至少馬英九務實的外交休兵政策，引起了國際社會的共鳴、更引起了國際社會的支持，真可以說是近幾年來的外交事務上得一項成就！換個角度想，我們只是單純的加入聯合國的活動機構，才引起國際的支持，是否意味著，在這世界上，只有我們台灣人承認自己是中華民國，是一個國家呢？到底還有誰承認中華民國在台灣呢？扣除友邦國家，我想沒有了吧！否則以前吵著進入聯合國，卻沒人理會，反而只是加入非正式組織的機構活動，卻一堆國家跳出來支持，這種現象，台灣人真該好好想想台灣是不是一個國家？沒錯，中華民國確確實實的在台灣，這是不能否定的事實，而大中華民族，也應該以台灣為主，但與其自己關起門來承認一個沒有任何國家會承認的這樣關係，還不如順應並跟隨著國際潮流，好好專注在經濟上、又該如何渡過即將再度衝擊全球經濟體系的金融風暴，才是最為重要的！

        而我們的總統馬英九，老實說我欣賞他的某些政策，比如說外交政策，就務實的多。但有很多地方，我認為他還沒夠能力去管理一個國家，以台灣政治的情況，實在不容馬英九在如此的瀟灑的發揮他的個性，他要在硬一點，或許還有其他地方我沒注意到、也可能還未想到，但早在他當總統之前，我就覺得他實在不適合當一國的總統，起碼現在是如此，否則如何能團結朝野兩邊陣營的黨派，在野黨每個人隨便一口口水，就足以淹死馬英九，假設又有什麼政策問題，黨內人士也將砲口轉向小馬哥，那他又如何應付呢？不求小馬哥像George Bush般的如此強硬，但求有魄力的整合朝野兩派、整頓台灣的經濟！的確，在未來的兩三年，甚至第一年任期內，小馬哥的作為可能不太大，至少要等到第二年在觀察看看。很多人說小馬哥競選時的政論，現在都一一跳票，但他們有沒想過，小馬哥現在，其實是不適合當總統的。因為他的優點，在政治舞台上、特別是要跟國際社會打交道的情況下，就會變成缺點！阿扁跟小馬哥，老實說其實都比較適合當地方首長！也又或許跟政黨沒什麼太多人才有關吧！

        Every day I go to library to study. Once another friend asked me why I do not want to go downstair, computer lab, to use computer. Actually, there have two reason, and the second one is main reason. The first one is secondary reason. These two reasons are that I do not want to occupy the computer because I may not always printout paper which I do not need to take a seat much time, and I would like to see you and accompany you even though I only can see you far from you. At least for me, it counts kinds of happiness. Waiting for you is a happiness. To see you is a happiness. A lot of things like these happinesses. Therefore, I have done it on purpose every day only because these strange reasons. I cannot control my action and my brain. It is natural. Natural generation is like that.

        Today, although I saw you and talked to you, you looked unhappy. I wonder why because I care about you. However, your attitude seems lukewarm. You have told me that our relationship is good. Yet as I saw today, it does not like as you said. I ask myself at that moment. Why, and what happened to our relationship? Last time I was happy because it was the first time you called me for something else, but this time is also the first time you treated me in remote attitude. It is not possible for you to know what I felt. However, my mind was getting hurt. Your action and your speaking can influence me a lot. You just do not know about that. Because of this reason, I do not show that my status is online even if I am online. In recent days, you are no longer a person to whom I familiar. You would not be online. Your attitude is getting lukewarm. Your smile have been getting less and less. You seem to avoid me. Everything has already changed on you and I do not know the reason. If you dislike me, I hope at least you can tell me the reason. I strongly believe I can tolerate anything you criticize. You also do not know that I hesitate to transfer to another school because of you. I do not willing to leave you even if I have unilaterally special feeling for you.

        I still have been waiting for you even though I know you are not going to be online and appear in my friend list of MSN. Sometimes I think I am so foolish and silly. Yet I cannot control my mind and emotion. I insensibly do it. I also know that it is not good for me. However, as I said, it is difficult to control everything. I only can let special feeling strongly strike me. Strike my mind, my brain, my emotion, and so on. This situation make me recall some sentences in a lyric:

        "Because of you, I never stry too far from the sidewalk;

         because of you, I learned to play on the safe side ;

        Today, I went to United Supermarket by riding bicycle. On the way to there, I almost got a traffic accident. This time is second time. Why did I almost hit a car on the way? I was thinking about you at the same time, so I did not pay attention to traffic condition. Fortunately, I did not across the road and the car decelerated immediately, or I probably may go to hospital. Perhaps I can guess where you are. However, I am not willing to image this situation that happen in Taiwan because I will go to the hospital if I still not pay attention to the road condition. What is happening to me as you were out of town? It...it is so crazy, isn't it? 

        Today, you were absented. Of course, your absence deeply influence my mind. I could not focus on my study because I paid attentiion to the seat that you always take during the tutor. However, you would not be here today. I was getting upset. I wondered where you were because you are never absent without reason. Therefore, I believed that you might be out of town. I thought about that only because I was not willing to think that you were stay with someone else. It is difficult for me to think about that. I was jealous when you are not here or not online. I know I cannot control you because I am nothing. At least for you now, it is. To you, I am the one of the best friends. Even though my dream may be come true, I won't do that because I know that it is too horrible. It is not my personality. I always control my special feeling because I know I have to do that whatever the situation I meet. If I try to control someone else, it is not moral and you may be gotten hurt. That's not what I hope to see.

        Today, I intentionally did something that is the same as I did before. However, you did not know at all. I pretended I did not know when you would leave library, but I actually knew it. Why? I just wanted to see you again and talked to you. You did not really know that. I also pretended I did not know where your class is. So strange, don't I? It is also huge scheme, isn't it? So pity. I always hope I can tell you about my feeling, but as I said, it is banned.

        You must not know what sustain me until present without stopping and continue to the future. It is simple. It is an appointment between you and I. Maybe you have already forgotten that there has an appointment between us, but I remember and am not going to forget. Why do I value this appointment? Because of the special feeling, I specially pay more attention to this appointment. Yet I cannot let you know my special feeling because it is prohibited. At least I think it so far. Probably you may allow me to say that in the future, but it is for sure that it would not be this moment.

         Yesterday, I got a phone call from you. It was the first time to call me and ask me if I would go for dinner with you or not. Although it could not represent something, at least you looked for me to accompany in order to have a supper. At that moment, you surprised me because I would never think about that. Perhaps you just wanted to treat me to appreciate me to help you before. However, I strongly believed that you could not understand how delighted I was. Why was I happy? Maybe it related to that you never invited me before. I also knew I could not make my special feeling stronger because it could not be allowed in my life. Yet I cannot control it. It just happened.

        There is a VN guy in WT, and he is my classmate even just sit behind me. This guy I hate him. He like asking a lot of question even the question is strange. Once he met me in front of library and ask me why I came to library every day because he saw me in it every day. Haven't he never thought about that he also come to library every day? For this reason, he called me "Library guy". This nickname I like it, but I am not familiar to him. Also, I do not like someone to whom I am not familiar and do not close name some nickname for me without my allowance. That's why I dislike him even I hate him. We are not familiar, and how can he name it for me without my permission? Not familiar and not close. How come? I think it is impolite to me. Actually, nobody likes him includes Chinese people and Taiwaness people. Most of us do not like him.

        Last Thursday night, I flied to Las Vegas with my senior. That is the first time I was to Las Vegas. One thing I felt bad is that I had to do my assignments. I tried to do before I went to there, but I could not finish it because it is too much and difficult. However, I still feel good because I had fun visiting many spots and taking a lot of pictures. Yet I didn't gamble because I am unfortune to gamble for past few years. I visited Coca-Cola museum and MM factory. Also, I saw two show such as O show and Beatles song show. And then on Sunday, I went to my aunt's house and came back to Canyon yesterday. Before I came back, I had a thought that would quit my class because I was not willing to go back to clss. I thought I had to take a rest. So tired for me for now. Everybody even is also supposed me to transfer to Los Angeles. I always hesitate because the first time I hesitate to concern many things like that if ESLI system is the same, my English is not good enough, and my GMAT can get high score, and this time I hesitate to some things such as an appointment with my friend and some friends I do not want to leave. Anyway, each time when I travel to look for my relative or go home, I hope I do not need to come back anymore.

        I'm now looking for a seat. A safe seat which cannot let me fall down. I try to find it many times. However, what about the fact? Of course it is opposite of my wishes, do not find. The higher I climb, the more serious injury I get. Ha ha. Everybody knows what? I'm laughing myself. Why? Do not ask me. I do not want to mention it anymore. At this time, I can think about that some of my world is horrible. Like economy, the leader does not have insight of tomorrow and then he or she will damage it. That's me. I do not have excellent insight, so I can image and foresee everything getting worse. I always try to chase those that could be possible and impossible. How come? Probably many people may ask me about that, but I do not exactly know that. Me? Sometimes I think I am a crazy guy. I just...also seem to be a stupid and foolish guy. Why? Because I am a crazy guy, remember? I often think about why the safe seat is hard to be found. At least it could so far.

        The more I expect, the more I disappoint. That's my feeling now. Sometimes people expect a lot because they hope something else could happen; however, things always don't. Many kinds of the relationship such as friendship. I have expected those that it is not possible to be come true in my life over and over. Therefore, I have been getting hurt since the expectation began, and it does not seem to stop. Whatever it is a horrible and terrible situation for me. At least for now for me, I think so. Nothing is exception.

        Today has already done two-third. I still confuse. What for? I do not exactly know. Sometimes I just hope...perhaps I do not know what the next is true. Next is a tricky thing. It could be consisted of many people, stuffs, thing, idea, thought, or something else. It seems to be mysterious that human being cannot see it. And how about my mind? I think it is similiar to the next. Actually, I believe it is the same as next that may be better to descibe my current feeling. I do not know what I want at this time because it always hide a place where avoid getting it by me. Or I exactly do know that, I just do not want to accknowledge its existence. I prefer to hide in a safe side and play in it. I know it is difficult to make a decision, but so far, I just I do not have to choose it. I want a rest, and I need it. I hope I do not no longer have to cope with that. That's my wishes at least it is for now.

        Recently, I feel huge stress from GMATand MBA program. Unfortunately, I cannot study GMAT continuely and I am not sure that I have ability to deal with it. This is what I really worry about. Of course, I won't easily give up even though I know I may not pass MBA because I have made an appointment with one of my friend. However, the appointment becomes my power and energy to support me to go on. It is funny, isn't it? At least I think so now, but it is true and taking place. The purpose is so strange. Whatever, I am doing it unknowingly. Everyone tell me I have to try to find out some methods to release my pressure. Honestly, I have no confidence to pass MBA. The program is more difficult than ESLI program. Except English, I have a lot of problems. Everyone tell me I have to take a break and relax. In fact, I think I do not have time. The only way which is via journal I can think about. Sometimes I think if there is no appointment, what am I going to be and where am I?

        Monday, my MBA life began. Wow, I never think that I can attend graduate school. Until today, I know that MBA life is not the life for human being to survive. Also, I think it is difficult to study. I also figure out that I am not really understand what the professor says. Now, only one feeling can describe it. That is "I gonna die and feel huge stress." I know I have to overcome this problem, otherwise I cannot survive in my future life. Even though I know about that, I still confuse how to improve it because I think I have already listened a lot of English such as watch American movie, listen English broadcast, and listen English songs. I do it every day, but I do not know why I still not understand what American people say. It is bad, isn't it? At the same time, I lose my patience gradually. I get lost in English world. Sometimes I am even tired of listening English because it is not useful. At least it is for me so far. How come? I do not understand either. Today, in the class, I confused the assignments because I do not know that clearly at all. At that time, I think I may fail my MBA program. Maybe it will be famous and special joke in history of MBA of WT.

        Today, I have to decide where I would like to stay and study. In front of this situation, I hesitate to make a decision because I strongly hope I can stay here due to the special factor even though I do not like here. Both of these decisions are fighting without stopping. Actually, it could be that they do not know how to stop this paradox. It always happens current time. Which one have to be the priority things? I still not have an idea. I hope I can escape from here, but I do not hope I am going to stay away from that special element. What happened? Does it not have excellent solution to cope with this paradox? I think so. This is only one thing I can think about. However, forcing me to stay away from the special feeling is a nightmare. At least I think of it so far. Sometimes I try to find a good way to handle this problem. Yet it is always opposite of my hope. Like forgetting is a enemy of note-taking, it is my enemy.